The song says that this holiday season is “The most wonderful time of the year” and for some, that is true. But for many families, Thanksgiving and the month of December are NOT so wonderful. The holiday season can be very stressful!

In my family, we celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas, and when my children were younger, this season was always a time of incredible excitement for my children, and unbelievable exhaustion for me!

No matter what holidays your family observes during this time, your children are frequently exposed to advertising, music, movies, stories, TV shows, and books, not to mention the energetic “buzz” in the air as it seems that many people are busier, and often, more stressed, than usual.

For many families, including my own in the past, this time of year can present extra challenges.

Parents are doing so much, children are overwhelmed, and many parents find themselves feeling bad or sad that their family doesn’t have the type of holidays depicted on TV, in movies, or experienced by other families, in real life and on social media!

The end of the year can also be an interesting time because it is often a time of introspection as we review the year that is ending and start to look forward to the new year.

Here are some ways to help you and your family have a better holiday season.

1-Accept As parents, it’s always important to accept your children for who they are, as they are.  You must also accept your life as it is!

You must accept that your child has challenges that may make the season more difficult. This can show up as poor impulse control about leaving gifts undiscovered or unopened, or resisting snacking on the holiday cookies and candy. They may have noise sensitivities and need to cover their ears during loud holiday songs, or when at the mall, or they complain about feeling discomfort wearing “holiday clothes”. They may be impatient or agitated during family photo sessions or parties, or they need constant reassurance about gifts and upcoming events. Instead of being irritated, frustrated, and annoyed- just accept that this is the reality of your life.

Part of accepting your life is to be honest with yourself. You may never have the type of holiday that you remember as a child or that you dreamed of having for your own children. But, you don’t know that for sure. That is the reality of your life. It just is.  Repeatedly feeling bad that your life is the way it is will not help you or your family. Don’t deny or fail to acknowledge your feelings. If you’re disappointed or sad, take a moment to recognize and acknowledge, “This is different than what I had expected.”  Then ask yourself, “Is there something that I can change to make this situation different?” If so, do it. If no change is possible- accept that this is the situation, and with that understanding, move on. This is the reality of your life. Now what?

Yes, it may feel sad to you, but this is the life you have. And the reality is- you only know that this isn’t like what you had experienced in the past or what you had imagined. But, you don’t really know, yet, what it CAN BE LIKE! Because that’s the future- and we haven’ t lived that yet!

Once you ACCEPT what your life is, you can figure out what you are going to do with your life and how you are going to feel about your life! The good news is that that’s up to you!

2- Have Realistic Expectations- So many families refuse to look at what their children can handle and put their children and their families in situations that are destined for failure. It would be better to have realistic expectations and set your family up for success.

Attendance at holiday parties may be brief and need a lot of discussion and “prep” time, traditions may need to change, (for example gifts may need to stay out of sight until Christmas morning), you can settle for more comfortable clothes to encourage happier faces at parties and in photos, and you can spend less time baking and shopping and more time “being” with your children.

3- Learn how to say “NO!”- If you can’t handle baking 12 dozen cookies for the neighborhood cookie swap, opt out! If gift giving to extended family members is too costly or stressful, LET it go! Choose gift certificates or make new traditions. The other family members may welcome the change, and you will have more time and energy for your child.

4- Be sure you take care of yourself- Many parents are so tired, over-extended, and financially stressed from dealing with end of year stresses, visiting relatives, and the performing the “duties” of the holidays that they have more limited patience and resources to deal with the increased needs of their high needs children. You need to make your self-care a priority instead of a “luxury” that never happens. Take time for a walk, get adequate sleep, eat healthy meals, meditate, go see a movie, or spend time with a friend.  

 5-Be proactive- Anticipate your child’s needs and act before a problem occurs- Set the stage for success. When attending a holiday party or event- try to get there early so that you’re not walking into a crowd, which can be overwhelming for children. Stay close to your child, especially if there are many other excited children there. If necessary, find a quiet place for your child to have a calming moment. If your child needs activity, take them outside for a walk or a chance to run around.  Stay in tune with your child, and “respect” what they communicate to you. If they say or show that they need a break, give it. Be prepared to leave at the first sign of overwhelm, instead of pushing it and increasing the likelihood of a melt down! Be sure your child is fed and rested before going to a party or celebration. (Food may not be served right away, the food may not be to your child’s liking or in accordance with any food restrictions your child is following.)

6- Be understanding- It is very difficult for some children to handle the overwhelming anticipation of the countdown to the holiday! Waiting for presents, the uncertainty if desired gifts will be received or not, watching others get gifts, and other excitement of the holiday is very stressful for some children. Your child may ask a hundred times if they will get the gift that they want, “How can you know it will come?”, “What if I don’t like it?”, “Who will be at the family celebration?” Even though you may like surprises and insist they are part of the holiday, the “surprise factor” may be unbearable for your child and add to the stress of the holiday. You may want to “hint” that a certain gift will be received or not received so your child doesn’t have to manage intense disappointment or surprise during gift-giving. If you can know who will be at events, letting your child know to expect certain people and events will help them manage some of the stress of the anticipation.

7- Be on your child’s side- If family members or strangers don’t understand your child and the challenges they face, don’t give them free rein to criticize, insult, punish, or judge your child (or you). You may need to establish boundaries with these people so that they don’t take the opportunity to treat you and your child badly.

8- Help your family and friends to assist in making the holiday enjoyable for your child. Hopefully when they realize your information is not a criticism of them, but rather a desire to be able to pleasantly spend time together, they may be more receptive. It may mean no one rushes to your child and envelops them in a tight hug, voices are quieter, or music is not so loud.

9- Be Consistent- Try to maintain eating, sleep, and activity schedules as much as possible. A hungry, sleep-deprived child will have a much harder time dealing with any challenges that the holiday presents.

10- Be Prepared- Always bring something your child can play with, especially if traveling to a child-free home! Packing some Lego sets, puzzles, books, blocks, cards, and games can mean the difference between a fun, successful holiday and a frustrating day of constant correction as your children explore their surroundings and deal with boredom on top of all the other challenges of the day.

If there is a chance your child may need to leave early, but others may want to stay, bring two cars. If necessary, you may have to have someone, or everyone, stay home and have an alternate celebration.

 11- Be Involved – As much as you may want to socialize with family and friends and relax and “enjoy the day”, you may have to be “on duty” to help your child manage the complexity of the day. Playing with excited cousins, sharing toys, respecting personal space, and controlling behavior, excitement, voice, and physical activity may be a lot for your child to handle. If you can be present to keep things from getting out of control or to monitor that your child is engaged and not getting into trouble or being harassed, your child can have a much more enjoyable day.

 12- Be Safe- Remember you may be going to homes that don’t have children and are not “child safe”. Never assume that a home or room is safe for your child. Also, visitors to your home may have items in bags or suitcase that can be dangerous for children. Remember that during the holiday season, children can be especially curious looking for hidden gifts, playing hide and seek with cousins or other children, and exploring new places. Be especially mindful of the dangers of guns, medications, drugs, cigarettes and e-cigs, chemicals, and cleaning products.  Finding a gun in a closet, blood pressure medication in someone’s pocketbook, a cigarette in an ashtray, or a nicotine containing e-cigarette left on a table, can be a fatal discovery for a child.  Ideally, no guns should be in homes with children but if they are, they should be stored safely locked, unloaded, and separate from ammunition. Know the number to Poison Control. (Poison Control 1-800-222-1222)

 13- Be Flexible- Remember the holiday season is about the children. Don’t be so attached to your memories of your own childhood holidays or your visions of how you wanted the holidays to be for your children. Let your children help you figure out what works best for your family with your children AS THEY ARE!

No matter what the demands of the holiday season are, with some preparation and guidance, you and your children can still enjoy the celebration!